Completing my, ugh — Past

I am venturing on in my Calling in “The One”  journey, the 2nd time around.  My hope in sharing my own journey in this way is that it may spark something for you, perhaps there is something you will be inspired by, or will take a look at in your own life because of something I’ve shared. Or it might be that you’ll simply feel not so alone because it will resonate.

Session Two of the course is called “Completing the Past,” and it is a deep dive into how you can let go of everything that is keeping you from having love. All of your old baggage that’s been weighing you down and anchoring you into the past: your old burdensome resentments, those old agreements and promises that you’ve made to people along the way that have yet to be released, and evolving toxic relationships, where you are losing personal power (that may still be happening).

It is an intense and powerful session, with exercises that will change the way you relate to your past and free you up to create the future of happy, healthy love that you so deeply desire.

I have to admit I’ve been quite guilty of wanting to forget my past — to just move on and not look back, as if it never happened. And I don’t even mean with just my relationships. I cringe at the thought of looking back on my youth – it just wasn’t a happy time for me. I was the black sheep in my family, my parents were miserable together, my dad was hardly around, we moved what seemed like 20 times before I was 12 so I was also always “the new kid at school,” I was bullied from age 12 to age 14 – And I had a father who loved to tell me how stupid I was, among other things. But I digress.

These are pieces of a story that I have for the most part evolved beyond. I’ll share reflections I have on all of that with you soon enough. I bet you can’t wait for that kind of fun!  But don’t worry, I’ll share it all from a place of what I learned, how I grew, and who I’ve become because of it – the silver lining, if you will.

One thing I certainly know is true about all of this though is that old saying, “time heals all wounds” just isn’t true. And I find it not only difficult, but actually impossible to simply avoid some things as if they’d never happened.

Sometimes I’ve even duped myself into thinking I was free from my past. I’m a spiritual person, after all, consciously working to forgive others and, ultimately, I figured any resentment I was feeling would just go away on its own.

And even though I took a stand to fully immerse myself in this process, I also have to admit that I felt a lot of resistance to doing the work this session.

I could actually feel my body contract when I decided to good look at what I was still carrying around from my past. I thought first about my 7-year marriage that ended in 2006, and I noticed my shoulders immediately slump over and an audible sigh came out on my next breath. And I felt sad . . . still.

If I’m really honest with myself — which I know I need to be to have a breakthrough in love — I recognize that I still feel angry, too, even though the last thing I want to do is feel either of those uncomfortable emotions . . . six years later!

By the end of my marriage, I felt dead inside — my former husband is a very nice person.  We were just completely mismatched, and wanted different things. And I knew I had to leave — especially for my daughters.  I knew I had to model for them what I would want them to do if they found themselves in that situation.  We had hit a wall in our marriage — a dead-end.

My recognition, and subsequent request for a divorce came at first with a feeling of liberation. But shortly thereafter, the resentment, the disappointment, the loss and grief over not having what I had hoped for — which was to be married, with my family, you know, until death do us part — set in. And I mostly blamed my former husband at the time for why it didn’t work out.  I believed that my share was — oh — about 2%.

Is there anyone you still feel a tinge of resentment toward? Maybe even someone in your life now? Someone who wronged you in some way? Who still owes you an apology for something they did or didn’t do?

The thing is, this energy is actually with us all the time, whether we’re focused on it or not. It’s there. And it’s powerfully impacting what can and cannot come to us right now.

And I know that my covert resentment (however small) towards my former husband (and another ex, or three) has been getting in the way of being able to open up my heart to a potential new love here in the present.

Now, I’ve done a lot of work on all of this before, and for the most part have completed my past relationships, but you know, when I look back with clear and sober eyes, there’s still some stuff there. . .

I also realize that when I do enter a new relationship, I don’t want to unconsciously be taking any resentment out on my new, innocent partner. And I certainly don’t want to unconsciously repeat past patterns that I haven’t yet evolved beyond.

What I’ve been learning is that the most important reason for identifying and releasing any resentments we’ve been holding on to is to be liberated to evolve beyond the person we were when we co-created those old situations.

If I am still feeling victimized by something that happened with another person, it means I have not yet seen where I’ve been responsible for how things went down — how I covertly co-created those experiences, whether by skipping over my own knowing, not speaking up, or making someone else’s needs more important than my own.

And unless I can see my own part in it (and if I’m so busy being victimized by someone else’s behavior, I can’t possibly be looking at my own!) then it means I have not yet evolved beyond it. And worse than that, it means I will most likely create the same painful experience all over again with someone new.

I definitely DON’T want that to happen.

To be continued.

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