Thick and Wild

Why did I cut my hair?

It was fun for a few days… but now I long to have it back.  Terrible pun.

It’s starting to grow out now, and it’s just this mop of hair.  My hair is thick and wild – my hairdresser, Amy, has always told me I need it pixie short or long – nothing in between.

I’m in between.

I was in between my first few blog posts and my latter ones when my dear author friend, Ren, who encouraged me to create this blog, and has been reading my posts – said that something is missing in them.  That I seem hesitant to really go out on a limb and share myself fully here.

He’s probably right.

So tonight, in one of my all too familiar dark hours of painful loneliness, a voice inside me said “Write!”

So, I have decided to put my self on the page.  Fully. Unabashedly. Authentically. Transparently.  Not from my typical place of a retrospective, having it all together now and looking back to when I didn’t.  But really just being raw on the page with what is happening with me right now. So, yeah, here it goes.

I have felt so hopeless about ever finding love. At the core of my being I have not felt it was really possible for me.

I have spent most of my life inside of this belief.  And it often feels really, really true.

I thought that I had moved beyond this place entirely with all the work I’ve done on myself. . . but clearly, I have not.

Here’s what’s true: I am a work in progress.

While I was feeling into my desires for love recently, I recalled an experience I had a few years ago when I took my oldest daughter to see a production of Peter Pan. There was this lovely, elegant, affectionate couple sitting in front of us. I remember the longing I felt as I observed the sweet way they related to one another — and yet simultaneously I had this sense of despair, knowing I would never be in a coupling like that.

That’s actually what I believed, that I would never find love.

It’s just something I had come to believe about myself when I was too young to know any better, as an attempt to figure out what the heck was going on in my life.

Why isn’t my mom loving me? At the age of 5, I couldn’t possibly understand that she was struggling with depression, and was stressed out about — my father . . .

And why does my father tell me I’m stupid, make fun of me, and then rage at me – sometimes getting violent? I couldn’t see as a child or even a teenager that he was narcissistic, needed to control everything around him (because I think he was really scared) and that he had very little capacity to love as one hopes to be loved by their father.

I didn’t have the capacity for that kind of complexity!

No. Instead, I just decided I must not be good enough to be loved.

A life sentence I have played out over and over again in all of my intimate love relationships.

And transforming this false belief about myself I know is absolutely essential in my quest to call in love. It is my access to the power to create the kind of loving, whole and happy union I’ve always wanted.

Because now that I know what belief I have been inside of all my life, I can challenge it, and I can step into the power of what’s really true about me.

Here’s the thing.  This stuff doesn’t go away entirely.  I still get triggered – like I have been tonight.  I’ve been crying my eyes out (I know, I know…)

And you know – life happens through us – not to us.  So I can see all the ways I’ve been showing up in life that have been generating this false belief.  It’s one of the reasons it’s so powerful.

So what was really an eye-opening moment for me recently, is that I saw clearly all of the covert ways I convinced the men I was dating that I just wasn’t good enough to be loved, so that they, in return, could tell me as much and validate my beliefs.

Not all of the men I have been with were this way, but certainly the relationship I was in last – that ended in 2009 – that was a 2-year, emotionally & psychologically abusive relationship that nearly cost me my life.

And I see how I played a role in that. I can see my responsibility in that.

Not that I’m taking him off the hook for all of his really very bad behavior –

But, I can see how I allowed it to happen – not consciously – but still.

Ouch.

We truly are the source of our own experience.  The way I devalued myself inside of that relationship… I can’t quite find the words to express the pain I’m in as I realize this.  You know.  That I stayed as long as I did.

This teaching about false beliefs and transforming them comes from Calling in “The One” – I feel it’s important to give credit here, where credit is due. And thank God I learned it.

I am committed now to create my life outside of that old story.

Even though all that old stuff creeps up on me and throws me back sometimes when I am vulnerable… I’m a warrior. And I refuse to throw in the towel.

I now have a different sense of myself as a happily married woman, just like that beautiful woman I saw being adored by her elegant husband.

I really feel like for the most part I’ve been liberated from beliefs that have been holding me back for years and that I have now fully embraced what is actually true about me:

The fact that I am a caring person alive in the world means I deserve to be loved, cherished, adored and supported. I deserve to have the devotion of a man who loves and appreciates me just for being who I am.

So . . . there it is.

And you know – this man I met in class. We’ve been spending time together – and he treats and cares for me like I’ve never been treated before.  It’s so beautiful. I’m falling in love!

And yet, it devastates me that I find myself pushing him away.  With all this awareness, the false belief still shows up at times. . .

I’m ferociously pushing back on it, though. Determined to no longer be victimized. Determined to be empowered.

And I’m stepping into faith and trust.

Scary.

The unknown. The Shirley Maclaine kind of “out”.

The in between.

But I’m doing it anyway. Thick and wild.

I’m still not entirely sure why I cut my hair.

But there is a new me in town.

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